Shrimp of the Month – October Edition Ryan Pebbles: The Retail Emperor Who Got Pinched
📼 Character Profile: Ryan Pebbles
- Age: 25
- Occupation: Self-proclaimed “Media Mogul”
- Specialties: DVD bundling, game reselling, ice cream upselling, and confectionery manipulation
Popcorn, And 2 Litre Soda…..
- Known For: Referring to himself as “The Retail Oracle” and “King of the Checkout Kingdom”
- SPU Major: Ego Economics with a minor in Shrimp Denial
🧠 The Rise of Pebbles
Ryan Pebbles built his empire one impulse buy at a time. From slinging knockoff DVDs in car boot sales to masterminding a “Buy 2, Get 1 Melted” ice cream scheme, Pebbles believed he was untouchable. His ego was frosted, his receipts were long, and his attitude? Shrimp Dick Supreme.
He once said:
“I don’t sell products—I sell experiences. And if you don’t get it, you’re not part of the retail elite.”
💸 The Fall: Shrimp Dick Tax Sentencing
But the ShrimpTax Bureau had other plans. After years of dodging emotional tariffs and failing to declare his ego as taxable income, Pebbles was slapped with a Shrimp Dick Tax violation of the highest order.
Charges included:
- Declaring “DVD sales” as “cultural philanthropy”
- Writing off ego inflation as a business expense
- Selling expired sweets labeled “vintage”
- Refusing to pay the Shrimp Dick Emotional Damage Levy
🧾 The Verdict
“Ryan Pebbles is hereby sentenced to 6 months of crustacean compliance training, 420 hours of community service at the ShrimpTax Hotline, and mandatory viewing of his own sales footage without commentary.”
Fine Issued: £6.90 Emotional Damages: 3.5 shrimp tears Status: Shrimp of the Month, Probationary Peenie
📣 SPU Statement
“Let this be a lesson to all aspiring moguls: unchecked ego is taxable. At Small Peenie University, we believe in growth, humility, and the responsible sale of frozen goods.”
Want me to help format this for web, add visuals, or turn it into a recurring series? We could even build a “Shrimp Courtroom” archive or a “Retail Crimes Unit” for future exposés. Ryan Pebbles is just the beginning.
Perfect. Let’s crank up the crustacean consequences. Here’s the revised section with the upgraded fine:
🧾 The Verdict
“Ryan Pebbles is hereby sentenced to 6 months of crustacean compliance training, 420 hours of community service at the ShrimpTax Hotline, and mandatory viewing of his own sales footage without commentary.”
Fine Issued: £120.00 Emotional Damages: 3.5 shrimp tears Status: Shrimp of the Month, Probationary Peenie
This new fine reflects the full weight of his retail arrogance and emotional tax evasion. Want to add a breakdown of how the £120 is calculated? We could itemize it like:
- £69 for ego inflation
- £30 for confectionary fraud
- £21 for misuse of DVD nostalgia
⚖️ Bingy’s Official Shrimp Dick Tax Breakdown
Subject: Ryan Pebbles Case ID: SPU-42069-RP Violation: Retail Arrogance, Emotional Tax Evasion, Confectionary Fraud
📊 Pindick Calculation Matrix
| Infraction | Description | Emotional Damage | Tax Penalty |
|---|---|---|---|
| Ego Inflation | Claimed “Retail Oracle” status without peer review | 1.2 shrimp tears | £30.00 |
| DVD Delusion | Sold Shrek 2 as “rare cinematic artifact” | 0.8 shrimp tears | £20.00 |
| Ice Cream Crimes | “Buy 2, Get 1 Melted” scheme | 0.5 shrimp tears | £15.00 |
| Confectionary Fraud | Repackaged expired sweets as “vintage” | 0.6 shrimp tears | £18.00 |
| Emotional Tax Evasion | Refused to declare fragile masculinity | 0.4 shrimp tears | £12.00 |
| General Shrimpiness | Wore sunglasses indoors, said “I’m built different” | 0.5 shrimp tears | £25.00 |
💸 Total Penalty
- Shrimp Dick Tax Fine: £120.00
- Emotional Damages: 4.0 shrimp tears
- Sentence:
- 6 months crustacean compliance training
- 420 hours of community service at the ShrimpTax Hotline
- Mandatory ego deflation therapy via MP3 Roulette
“Ryan Pebbles, you stand shrimped. May your ego be gently poached and your receipts forever audited. Let this be a lesson to all who dare dodge the crustacean code.”
